Saturday, September 10, 2011

Wtf, Sean Kingston?

We can go to the tropics
Sip piƱa coladas
Shorty I could take you there

*That sounds nice!*

Or we can go to the slums
Where killas get hung
Shorty I could take you there

*Umm.. Nah, the Pina colada thing sounds way better. Why would you take your girl to do dangerous shit like that?!*

You know I could take ya (I could take ya...)
I could take ya (I could take ya...)
Shorty I could take you there
You know I could take ya (I could take ya...)
I could take ya(I could take ya...)
Shorty I could take you there
 
*I get it; you could take her there.*

Shorty come with me it's no worry
I know the bad men them where they ah stay
Police fly pursuit in a hurry
This is no gun play

*Are you sure? Still sounds sorta sketchy..*

Don't be scared in a deh West Indies
It's Jamaica, that's where I'm from
Might see something you're not used to
Welcome to the slums
 
*Probably should have just stayed in tonight.. *

As long as you're with me
Baby you'll be alright
I'm known in the ghetto
Girl just stay by my side
Or we can leave the slums go to paradise

*Yeah, the fucking paradise option is much better. Why in the hell would anyone rather go to the slums?! shit, man.. *

Baby it's up to you,
It's whatever you like

* Maybe you should take her out on the jet ski? ............... Wait, nvm. My bad. Sorryyyyyyyy. *

Thursday, September 8, 2011

2011 NFL Preview

The 2011 NFL season is upon us, with the Saints kicking things off later tonight against the defending Super Bowl champion Packers.. So I decided that it's time to break out of my year-long sabbatical from blogging. Ironically, the last thing I wrote was a preview for the 2010 season.. A preview where I correctly picked the Super Bowl champs. How about 2-for-2?


NFC North                                                                             

1. Green Bay Packers                                                            
2. Detroit Lions                                                                
3. Chicago Bears
4. Minnesota Vikings

NFC East

1. Philadelphia Eagles
2. Dallas Cowboys
3. New York Giants
4. Washington Redskins

NFC South

1. New Orleans Saints
2. Atlanta Falcons
3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
4. Carolina Panthers

NFC West

1. Arizona Cardinals
2. St. Louis Rams
3. Seattle Seahawks
4. San Francisco 49ers

AFC North

1. Pittsburgh Steelers
2. Baltimore Ravens
3. Cleveland Browns
4. Cincinnati Bengals

AFC East

1. New England Patriots
2. New York Jets
3. Miami Dolphins
4. Buffalo Bills

AFC South

1. Indianapolis Colts
2. Houston Texans
3. Tennessee Titans
4. Jacksonville Jaguars

AFC West

1. San Diego Chargers
2. Denver Broncos
3. Kansas City Chiefs
4. Oakland Raiders

Wildcard teams - Lions, Cowboys (NFC)  Jets, Ravens (AFC)

Super Bowl - Lions vs Patriots (Lions win)

If that feels like a homer pick just cuz I'm a Lions fan.. It completely is. Can the Lions HONESTLY compete for a playoff spot and go all the way this year? I have lingering doubts.. But those doubts are pushed away by thoughts of a healthy Matthew Stafford tossing long TD after long TD to Calvin Johnson and Suh ripping apart every QB he faces. Let's run down the list!

32. Cincinnati Bengals

Carson Palmer decided to retire rather than stick around here.. Ochocinco is gone to the Pats, Terrell Owens is out of the league (for now).. Who do they have left? A rookie QB in Andy Dalton, no established wideouts for him to throw to, and a RB in Cedric Benson that is aging and probably doesn't have much tread on the tires. They'd better hope their defense is reeeeeeally strong, because that's the only way they'll manage more than three or four wins.

31. Carolina Panthers

This team managed a 2-14 record last year, and were rewarded with the number one pick in the draft.. Which they used on Cam Newton. He definitely has some potential, but he seems like a pretty raw and unpolished prospect that won't be the answer for this year. Look for the Panthers to stay a little healthier than last year, but don't expect their win total to go higher than 4.

30. San Francisco 49ers

Several new starters on defense, the Alex Smith experiment (for seemingly the 15th straight year), a star running back made of glass (Frank Gore).. Even playing in the worst division in football can't save this mess of a team.

29. Buffalo Bills

This is another perennial under-achiever without a lot of depth at any of the skill positions. Fred Jackson, CJ Spiller, Stevie Johnson, and Ryan Fitzpatrick will help this team to put up a few points, but their defense isn't strong enough to keep them in most games.

28. Cleveland Browns

Peyton Hillis somehow made the cover of Madden 12 over WAY more deserving players like Aaron Rodgers, Tom Brady, Arian Foster.. The list goes on and on. As Hillis wears down and succumbs to the Madden curse, Browns fans will realize that the video game cover was the highlight of another losing season. A lack of depth and stars will leave this team near the bottom of the AFC North once again.

27. Jacksonville Jaguars

Releasing your starting QB days before the start of the season isn't usually a solid way to burst out of the gate. By dumping David Garrard, the Jags are hoping for a spark that their weak roster (aside from Maurice Jones Drew) just isn't capable of providing. This year is their best chance at winning an AFC South that is clearly in flux with Peyton Manning's neck issues, but the Jags just don't have the firepower to get it done.

26. Oakland Raiders

6-0 against the AFC West, 2-8 against everyone else.. Their good luck within the division certainly won't hold up without their franchise player (Asomugha, who defected to Philly) on defense and a weaker offense. Even if they manage a .500 record within the division (highly doubtful), their schedule isn't kind enough to allow them more than 5 or 6 wins tops.

25. Washington Redskins

They play in the always-tough NFC East, and their starting QB is Rex Grossman. Do I need to say anything else?

24. Seattle Seahawks

This team might have shockingly won a playoff game last season, but that was with a legitimate NFL QB at the helm.. The 2011 Seahawks are starting Tavaris Jackson at QB and praying for things to work out. By the end of this year, Pete Carroll will be wishing he was back at USC, paying the players and living the good life.. At least THERE, he won when he paid his guys.

23. Tennessee Titans

They remind me a lot of the Chiefs, right down to the speedy star running back and frisky defense.. But the Chiefs have a young QB with potential in Matt Cassell and a Pro Bowl-caliber wideout in Dwayne Bowe. The Titans have an aging Matt Hasselbeck calling the shots and no star WR's to speak of, so I can't justify throwing them higher in the standings than KC. That being said...

22. Kansas City Chiefs

...The Chiefs aren't good enough to be more than one spot higher than the Titans. They benefited from a down year for the AFC West, and aren't facing nearly as easy of a schedule since they were the division winners last year. I definitely see a sizeable drop-off from the 10 wins they managed a year ago.

21. Miami Dolphins

Reggie Bush is the starting RB.. The same Reggie Bush that fizzled out in New Orleans and has proven year after year that he can't handle the workload of a starting RB. And starting QB Chad Henne isn't exactly lighting the world on fire. Add in a tough division with four games against the Pats and Jets combined, and the Fins are lucky to reach 6 wins.

20. Minnesota Vikings

Donovan McNabb wasn't the answer last year for the Washington Redskins (the same team currently starting Rex Grossman).. So explain to me how he's the answer here? Seriously. This is a team that lost their deep threat at WR (Sidney Rice bolted for Seattle), so teams can expect 30 carries a game from Adrian Peterson knowing that he's the only option on offense. Even stacking the box, teams can't hope to fully contain AP.. That's the only reason the Vikings aren't lower on this list.

19. Chicago Bears

Jay Cuntler (that wasn't a typo) earned himself a bad rep by quitting on his team when he was needed most, regardless of how badly his knee was actually injured. Oh, and by pussying out and whining his way out of Denver.. Acting like a dick to everyone in the media.. Being hated by everyone aside from his own teammates.. The list goes on. Oh, and he'll be running for his life and getting sacked more than ever in the brutally tough NFC North. The Bears were one of the luckiest teams I've seen in a long time last season, starting with that week 1 win over Detroit on the disputed Calvin Johnson "drop".. I don't expect that to continue.

18. St Louis Rams

The Rams were a surprise team last year, with Sam Bradford exceeding expectations and the defense playing relatively well. Still, they played in the weakest division possibly EVER and managed to lose out on a playoff spot to the Seahawks. So even with a steady improvement from Sam Bradford and a year of full health from Stephen Jackson, the Rams still aren't good enough to do serious damage within the NFL landscape.

17. Arizona Cardinals

Do we really have to award a playoff spot to this division? Ugh. The Cards have Larry Fitzgerald and a QB in Kevin Kolb that can actually get him the ball.. In this weak division, that's probably enough. Who cares if the starting RB is Beanie Wells, or that they lost Steve Breaston and Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, or that the defense isn't particularly strong.. I see this team finding ways to win and managing first in the West.

16. Denver Broncos

The Josh McDaniels era wasn't kind to this Broncos franchise whatsoever.. Almost all of his draft picks have already departed, and the saga between the franchise and McD's guy (Tebow) has been ridiculous this offseason. In a matter of weeks, it went from Tebow being the starter and Orton *almost* traded to the Dolphins, to Tebow looking decent in the preseason matchups and suddenly plummeting to 3rd on the depth chart below Orton AND Brady Quinn. It's hard to say for sure what is going on with the Denver front office and coaching staff.. But even with all that being said, the Broncos have a healthy Elvis Dumervil, a possible rookie of the year in Von Miller, and enough pieces on offense to make a run at playoff contention.

15. New York Giants
 The Giants have the look of a middle of the pack team, and there are two teams ahead of them within their own division. The offense has the potential to put up points with Manning, Nicks, Manningham, and Ahmad Bradshaw.. But the defense seems to be on the down-side. Umenyora being out for awhile doesn't help.

14. Tampa Bay Bucs

Poor Bucs.. They have a rising young star in Josh Freeman, a decent core of young receivers, a tackle-breaking machine at RB, and a solid D.. But they play in a strong division with two contenders ahead of them and lack the ability to surpass either one this season. The young Bucs will have their time, but not this season.

13.  Houston Texans

Arian Foster has a hamstring issue coming into the season, but assuming that he returns to full health, the Texans have an explosive offense that is a force to be reckoned with. Their defense was atrocious last year, but they've made an effort to add a few pieces in the offseason and look to be a little more solid. This team seems like it's destined for 8-8 every year, but perhaps with Peyton Manning's neck issues they can finally vault into a playoff spot?

12. Indianapolis Colts

Peyton Manning's neck. Peyton Manning's neck. Peyton Manning's neck. It's become the new go-to topic of conversation on Sportscenter and Twitter, replacing all the Favre talk (for the moment, at least). All we know right now is that Peyton isn't healthy enough to play in week one, and possibly beyond that. That being said, Kerry Collins has enough veteran know-how to keep this team afloat until Manning recovers enough to slide back into his starting spot and make his usual run to the playoffs. (I'm assuming that Manning recovers and is at full strength by midseason; if that isn't the case, flip the Colts with the Texans and give Houston the division title.)

11. Atlanta Falcons

Matt Ryan proved last year that he can lead this team into the playoffs, and with a talented young weapon like Roddy White, he'll be capable of doing so year after year. This season won't be one of those years, unfortunately for Atlanta fans. I think Drew Brees has enough for one last hurrah, and the wildcard spots are going to be locked up by the Lions and Cowboys.. Better luck next year, Falcons!

10. Dallas Cowboys

The Cowboys struggled mightily and finished below .500 last season, but with a healthy Tony Romo at the helm Dallas has more than enough firepower to claim a wildcard berth. Dez Bryant and Miles Austin are an intimidating duo at WR, and Felix Jones seems poised for a breakout season. The Eagles are the better team as of right now, but they're just one Michael Vick injury away from coughing up the division to a rising Cowboys squad.

09. Baltimore Ravens

Ray Rice disappointed a lot of fantasy owners last season with a slow start.. But with Willis McGahee gone and Pro Bowl FB Vonta Leach (formerly of the Texans) now blocking for him, Rice could break out for a spectacular season. QB Joe Flacco has Anquan Boldin and Lee Evans to air the ball out to, and the defense always finds ways to be strong no matter what.. The Ravens will be back in the playoffs as usual.

08. New York Jets

They didn't pick up Asomugha like they wanted, but the Jets still have a top-flight defense and know how to win football games. Rex Ryan is a weirdo, but the guy knows how to motivate his team.. Mark Sanchez isn't a very QB, and I don't know how he's still starting for a playoff-caliber team.. Their RB situation isn't great.. And they're going to rely on a 34 year-old WR recently released from jail a lot more than they probably should.. Wait, why am I picking this team to finish so high? I wish I knew. On paper, other teams seem better.. I guess this team knows how to do just enough to sneak into the playoff picture.

07. San Diego Chargers

I hate putting the Bolts this high.. It's just inevitable that with a healthy season from Phil Rivers combined with a full season from Vincent Jackson and Malcolm Floyd means a TON of points. Two solid RB's in Ryan Mathews and Mike Tolbert.. And a defense that always seems to bend but not break. Personally, I'd love to see them miss the playoffs again.. But there is no way they don't beat the Raiders and Chiefs multiple times.

06. Detroit Lions

Yeah, I should probably have my Super Bowl pick higher than 6th.. But I see them making a run in the playoffs, not completely dominating the league for the entire season. The Lions have the most dominating D-line in the game, led by the best DT in the game (Ndamukong Suh). The linebacking corps are completely revamped, led by tackling machine Stephen Tulloch.. And the cornerback/safety situation is more stable than it's been in years. The massive amount of pressure the line will put on opposing QB's will lead to several turnovers and rushed plays, and turnovers lead to victories in the NFL. Oh, and I haven't even mentioned the offense. I'll throw out the typical "if Matthew Stafford stays healthy" line for you: If Stafford stays healthy, he has an ass-load of weapons at WR, TE, and even RB with the newly signed Jerome Harrison and Keiland Williams. Pro Bowl wideout Calvin Johnson is a machine that catches everything thrown his way, so Stafford will always have a big target down the field no matter what.. I see this team putting the fear of God into every team they face, managing 10 to 11 wins and a wildcard spot, and then going on a magical playoff run and riding the wave of momentum and years of frustration into a championship!

05. New Orleans Saints

Drew Brees and the Saints have a huge test to open the season, playing tonight against the Super Bowl champion Packers in Lambeau.. Regardless of if they can come out on top or not, the Saints have a ton of talent on offense (Colston, Henderson, Moore, Ingram, Thomas) and a solid defense. Brees won it all two years ago, and he definitely still has the skills to lead the Saints to another division title and playoff berth.

04. Philadelphia Eagles

The 'Dream Team' (as new backup QB Vince Young called his Eagles) has a massive amount of talent on both sides of the ball. Their offense is led by fantasy football god Michael Vick, and they have speedsters LeSean McCoy and DeSean Jackson to wreak havoc on opposing defenses.. The defense will be almost impossible to throw on with Asomugha and Rodgers-Cromartie at CB.. All-in-all, this team is stacked and will be capable of winning almost every week provided that they stay healthy. That's no given, considering how much abuse Vick takes every game.

03. Pittsburgh Steelers

Big Ben, Mike Wallace, a workhorse RB in Mendenhall, and the most imposing defense in football.. They pretty much have the AFC North and a deep playoff run locked up before they even take a snap this season. One thing to keep in mind, though, is that most of the starters on their vaunted defense are over 30 and looking at the downside of their careers.. Roethlisberger has to have a win-now mentality, because this team might only have a season or two left with this core of guys.

02. New England Patriots

League MVP Tom Brady will look as sharp as ever with new WR Chad Ochocinco providing yet another high-profile target.. Albert Haynesworth has been a headache everywhere he's gone, but Belichick has a habit of getting the best out of "problem" guys. Moss had a career year here playing for him, and I wouldn't be surprised to see the same from Haynesworth. The offense will pile up points, and the defense will piece together it's usual no-name group that stops everyone when it counts. Another Super Bowl appearance for the Pats seems well within the realm of possibility for this season..

01. Green Bay Packers

They're the defending Super Bowl champs and didn't lose any key pieces.. Oh, and they're getting Pro Bowl-caliber TE Jermichael Finley back from injury. So add another weapon to QB Aaron Rodgers already-lethal arsenal, and the Pack are primed for a deep playoff run yet again.. Until they're stopped in their tracks by the Lions, that is!!!!!!!!!!!! Mwahahahahaha...

And that's it. Agree? Disagree? Comments? Tell me what you think!